I am not ready to die.

As I said in my last blog, Whitney Houston died at the age of forty eight, the same age I am now.  Sometimes you hear story's about people who were in your peer group when you were young dying, I found out that my first fiance died a few years back.  
  I bring this up because I have spent a lot of time talking about dying as if it was something casual , my son said I have a death wish. As a matter of fact he had a dream I died the other night, he said he was very angry with me.  He asked me yesterday how my new diet was working out, then he told me about his dream.  I thought about this, first of all he really cares about me, and second is that I have been pretty selfish.  
  I have wasted so much time, I have allowed myself to treat my body, and self as if it really did not matter what I did.  It is also a sad way to draw attention to yourself.  I have some talents, I love working with Polymer clay, and have only tapped into a very small part of what I could do with that.  I also love building miniatures, I love working with wood, and researching my projects, I have learned more about architecture, historic eras, and the people who have made and sold miniatures then I could have ever imagined, so much so that I slipped right into working some Saturdays at my favorite miniature store with out really skipping a beat.  I also Love my historic reenacting, playing the laundress a unique, and I hope historically accurate character.  In my 15 seconds of fame, I won a national contest in American miniaturist magazine, I also, Thanks to my great friend Ken Giorlando (Check out his blogs!}  Got the thrill of a lifetime being on the cover of Citizens Companion Magazine, With his wife Patty, also one of my best friends in life.  
  I am not bragging here, but making a point, I am not ready to die, I have so much more I would like to do.  I don't have time to just spend time laying on the couch because I am too exhausted after work to do anything else.  I do not have time to wrestle with this pain,  I would rather have people see me as a triumphant person then a pitiful wreck who could have done more with her life. 
  Its possible I am really being hard on myself here, but if my lifestyle and choices are causing fear in the people that I love, especially my beloved son, then I have to change.  This is my new motivation to continue on.  Thanks for looking in.    Mrs Cook